Tender Mercy

A few weeks ago I said a prayer.  Ever since I had my first miscarriage 7 years ago I have had trouble connecting with God.  I didn't experience that loss (or the subsequent ones) the way that other people talk about loss or grief when they say that they felt the Saviour comforting them.  I felt abandoned.  I was eager to feel close to the Lord, to have the comfort of the Spirit, but for some reason, it wasn't there.

I've continued to live my life as a spiritual person.  By this I mean I do what I am "supposed" to, according to most spiritual leaders.  I attend church, I pray, I read my scriptures when I can, I do my best to try to remember the Lord and His sacrifice.  But for years, I haven't connected.  Lately I wondered if I was "past feeling" as described in The Book of Mormon.  I think something is broken inside of me.

So I said a prayer that if for whatever reason I can't have a closeness with God, that I could at least see that He was aware of me.  I asked to just have some sort of spiritual experience so that I could be assured of some sort of presence in my life, however small that might be.  I didn't expect my prayer to be answered so soon.

To understand what I am about to explain, I must first describe an encounter several years ago with my sister-in-law, Robin.  Robin was battling Leukemia, and Aaron, Camden and I went to visit her in L.A. where she was receiving treatment.  I sat in her hospital room as she stared at her paperwork, changing her check mark on the page to DNR (Do Not Resuscitate).  It agonized her to make that decision.  She held Camden, who was only 2 months old at the time, and cried as she knew she would not be having any more babies.  She asked me to make sure that her little girl was cared for and to make sure that her husband, Aaron's brother, married someone nice.  We struck a deal.  The deal was that I would make sure Hailey was cared for, and she would find my babies who had passed on and care for them there...wherever there is.

About a year later, Robin passed away. My end of the deal was pretty easy.  Hailey has a great dad and Grammy who care for her and she has a great life. I have often wondered how it was going for her though, caring for 4 little ones!

Almost every year since Robin was diagnosed, our little family has participated in the "Light the Night" walk that raises funds and awareness for Leukemia and Lymphoma.  We do it to remember Robin.  A few weeks ago we were preparing for this event and Camden asked why we were going to go on a walk at bedtime.  Realizing that he is now almost 5 and could really understand this, I explained to him about Robin.  I pulled up pictures of her so he could see who Hailey's mommy is.  He sat at the computer and watched the slide show of Robin.

I heard Patrick's cries on the monitor, indicating that he was awake from his nap.  With Patrick in my arms, I returned to where Camden was watching the slide show of Robin.  Patrick turned towards the computer, pointed to a picture of Robin, and as clearly as could be said, "Robin."  I gasped.  He wanted to get closer. So brought him a little closer and he sat mesmerized for a minute or two, watching the pictures.

It may be easy to say that Patrick was repeating what he heard.  Except that he wasn't. I had never used her name to Camden.  I kept calling her Hailey's mommy.  Plus, Patrick had been asleep in the other room. Not to mention, he only has a couple of words, and Robin isn't one of them.

It was a reverent moment for me. Robin must not only be caring for my little ones who will never live on this Earth, but for the ones who did get to come.  She must have known Audrey too! 

I received a blessing once that speaks of the Holy Spirit having the power to delegate, and that from time to time friends and family members from the other side of the veil would have the opportunity to prompt and guide me through this life.  I have often wondered exactly who those people are.  Are they ancestors who lived a hundred years ago?  Maybe my grandma or grandpa?  Now I know for sure that Robin is one of them. 

My children have a beautiful guardian angel.  And I have a beautiful Lord who answered my prayer.  I am so thankful for this tender mercy from the Lord.

Now I just have to keep working on that "connecting" part.